Photo illustration by Slate. Running the risk of sounding dismissive, I have a strong feeling that the same will be the case for your son. For my sake, how can I get them to do this? Slate Plus members getmoreCare and Feedingevery week. I think your depression is casting a shadow over everything and will continue to until you get the help you need and deserve. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? My adult daughter (25) and her husband (27) are not thriving. They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. My children (10, 8, 6, and 5) have been attending school virtually since March. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. Thats something else most toddlers do), but it doesnt seem alarming to me (see weirdness of 3-year-olds, above). In other words, I am basically pigeonholed, by default, into all duties as a parent, but with none of the say. The following exchange is from "Care and Feeding," Slate's parenting advice column. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. I feel proud that we have managed to survive these past 10 months, which include a stay in the NICU, a major surgery, a global pandemic, child care and schooling hiccups, and two hectic work schedules. I turned my life around and have been sober for over six years, but will he do whatever it takes to improve his health? Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. They mostly manage because they have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . I can say this honestly and without bias. If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what youve told me. Here's the lowdown Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. No matter what, dont let this slide. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Ft. 538 Old Greenfield Rd, Peterborough, NH 03458. Dear Care and. Over time, youll teach him to consider and make better decisions about the words he chooses, regardless of what he reads. I am a woman of color; my wife is white. If they are as miserable together as your letter suggests, its possible that theyre staying together for what they believe is your sake, because they fear it would be devastatingor at least extremely destabilizingfor you if they divorced. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Some of their friends have grandparents who are in their early 60s. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. You say your husband is obviously hurt by his parents seeming to favor his sister, but unless he has told you that, I think youre projecting. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. Slate now has four advice columns Care and Feeding, for parenting advice; Dear Prudence, for general relationship/being-a-human questions; How to Do It, for sex advice; and Beast Mode, for advice about pets. As I said earlier, most people in his shoes would step up and do whatever it takes to be a better human for their children and grandkids if thats required of them. Ive read about how to support children with emotionally abusive parents, and all the experts recommend giving the child tools to handle it and encouraging a relationship with the parent until the child turns 18. Dear Care and. Recently, a flood of race-centered questions has taken center stage in the column. But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. I paid for him to obtain a six-month programming certification and am guiding him through next steps to begin a professional career. Now youve moved from nice guy status to pushover with no end in sight. From now on Nelson's Column only existed in his mind. I was in therapy some time ago when my relationship with my husband hit a bad spot, and one of the exercises I was given then was to try to reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones, so Im trying to do that with my kids (I try to replace they dont want to hear from me with theyre busy with work/school) but its so hard. And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I just accepted a new job, an exciting career opportunity for me, about a 2-hour drive away from our home in a big city. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. Maybe start with, Dad, I love you very much, but I have to be honest with you. Maybe theyll decide to try couples counseling. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I really do try to be neutral about the whole thingI dont want him to be ashamed of this quirkbut maybe he is picking up on my own unease about it? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. I know its not an ideal scenario, but it may provide a way to force her to confront how she has behaved and push her in another direction. Now I usually say, Thanks! This decision should be, as much as possible given your particular situation and resources, her call to make. All rights reserved. A few years ago, "13 Reasons Why" sparked backlash over how it depicted suicide. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Obviously he, like all of us, will be exposed to rude or inappropriate or hurtful words for the rest of his liferight now, the key is to help him start thinking more critically about language, how we use it, the power it wields. When he tells you how great she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too. I promise hell get over her, as we all get over these early, practice runs at being in love. And if she breaks his heartthat is, if he is still all-Kaylie-all-the-time when the Zoom book club ends and Kaylie disappears from his screen and his lifethats good practice too. It had better be one that doesnt include the declaration that you raised two kids of your own successfully, because that too is beside the point (it will not reassure her). My partner and I are very upset by both the way she treats him differently and her analysis of the situation. You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. Reclaim your life and sanity by putting your foot down today. I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. After these encounters, I always remind her of her inner beauty, her kindness, and her loving heart. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. If your goal is to help them to achieve a level of independence, it will never happen if you keep swooping in to save them. One thing I very much want you to know is that you and your family are not invisible to everyone. I find myself going back and forth about how I feel (but also less concerned about the former, more about the latter). I cant stand to read baby announcements. Id also find out more about why shes considering commuting to collegeshe must have her reasons, and maybe some of those are reasons you could try to understand and respect, even if you still dont agree. It will be! What should I do? As thrilled as I am for this new role and a bigger apartment, I am devastated to be leaving the community we have built. He asks for privacy when he does, and I say sure. The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. I guessdo you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). To ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email. I will tell you that if I were your 35-year-old and Id said, Ive got to go now or Ill be late for work, but Ill call you this weekend, OK? and you said, No, lets just wait until I call you in two weeks, I would have been hurt. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. Youre not raising him with unrealistic or sexist views about love if you dont discourage him in his adoration of Kaylie. Shes so lucky youre her daughter! Have a question for Care and Feeding? My daughter, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. What is a gravel bike? Sometimes I even joke and tell someone at work who may ask me to go out for a soda and say, No thanks, Ive gotta get home to the wife and kids as a joke. Dear Care and Feeding, My brother "John" and his wife have three children. Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. The hard part is informing them that after this is over, youre done with being their financial and emotional savior. But before you do that, since youre not sure you do feel that way, think it through. My wife (26) and I (24) are expecting our first kid. All English Franais. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. From Our Callers. Take the nice words graciously, dont make a big production of it, and move on with your day. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. Each day they do a different task with their word list. They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. Or dinosaurs. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? And you should project yourself right out of this equation. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. Al, from Monroe, Connecticut "I'm a single dad to three boys, and I have been alone with them for seven years. And each day we get drama and fighting because he doesnt see the point to doing anything other than simply being quizzed on the words. Photo illustration by Slate. Even if you dont see any red flags other than what you outlined here, it wouldnt hurt to have her speak with a therapist. She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. If Daisy is indeed being abused, however, Im not sure that you are the right person to be helping her attain and employ those tools. Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. Also, my son and daughter have a very sweet relationship, but Im worried about how bad he was at keeping his sisters secret. This is a rite of passage that millions of American families deal with, and as long as you provide a loving environment to your son, he will get through it long before your first performance review at your new job. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. Its anonymous! I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. He likes gloveslet him play with gloves. Maybe they wont end their marriage but will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that. All rights reserved. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. You should absolutely talk to your son. My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. I have a good relationship with both kids, who are now teenagers, and I know that they take most of what their mom says with a big grain of salt. Uh, No Thanks. I honestly dont know. When you talk with your son, I would explicitly name the problem with the language, as opposed to focusing on the books: Ordering someone to shut up is rude; stupid and idiot are words that can really hurt people. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! This should ideally be a conversation, not a lecture or an argument. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! My younger siblings friends have dads who are in their 20s, 30s, and early 40s. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. On a handful of occasions, I have been her target, something she has never acknowledged or apologized for. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. content language. Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. There is not a huge difference in what it will cost us, but enough to make a difference. Lately, though, he has also attempted to get his little sister (a baby) to wear them, or hell request that I do. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. He LOVES his class and his teacher, and he has so many friends in the neighborhood. As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. They attend joint therapy, but her mom doesnt seem to be making any progress. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. At the beginning . And of course they may have other reasons, having nothing to do with you, for wanting or needing to stay together.). What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. That certainly applies here. Slate, which launched its first advicecolumn, Dear Prudence, in 1997, has seen notable traffic around advice and noticed positive upticks in its business' bottom line. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. Nicole Cliffe is a freelance writer who pens Slate's parenting advice column, "Care and Feeding," and was the co-founder of the now-defunct site The Toast. Dont get defensive or angry when it happens. You said that he would do anything for you and your kids, right? Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Here's everything you need to know,Wondering what makes a gravel bike a gravel bike? I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slate's parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a child's intrinsic motivation:. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. Thats not a bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. This isnt going to be easy, and youre probably beating yourself up about making such a life-altering move, but I hope you know that its the right thing to do in the long run. (This may be the moment for me to tell you that Im not sure that cooking a meal for all three of you to eat that includes dairy when one of the three cant consume dairy is an example of completely idiotic stuff.). Yes, I completely understand how upsetting it is to watch your daughter struggle, but she has to learn to figure out how to deal with this on her own, or else youre looking at a lifetime of enabling her, and I know you dont want that. Let your husband and son spend time with them without you. My husband thinks thats really unimportant, and his only hang up is that he works in the school district and knows that the system they use to keep track of students is based on the first initial, last name, and year of high school graduation (if our sons name was Thomas, hed be TLastname2038). While the columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly . Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead childrens activities and story time.
